As you know by now, this blog comes in the newsletter. This month didn't, because I was nervous or maybe ashamed to publish, as all of you I also struggle with my own pain and trauma. December was rough. I had done a lot of emotional and physical purging. For some reason, I was hesitant to detail parts of my healing journey on this blog. Last week, when having a conversation with an amazing and successful woman about a fundraiser, I realized that there is no shame and should be no stereotype of a rape survivor.
I found through her sharing her experience that I had found a strength and dignity that comes from overcoming such a profound trauma. I want to thank her for sharing and holding space. I love you girl.
It reminds me of lyrics to a song that my partner shared with me. "When you kick me, when you rape me, when you burn me, when you break me. I am divine! I am devine!" - Rollins Band
There are more survivors out there than we can possibly know. Rape is and always will be the worst crime there is in this world. Because we never heal, we just learn to live with it, while many time the rapist walks free. We learn to forgive, let go of guilt, embrace a new life that we are creating after this deep pain.
This is not written for sympathy. This is me using my story to shed light on this issue. We all know a survivor and sadly, we all probably know a criminal.
Throughout these past months of trying to keep everyone safe and being stuck in our homes I began to think about all of the survivors and victims of sexual abuse. And how many are stuck with their abuser? Some of us had the extra time to connect to our inner child, or to that scared woman or man inside of us. Survivors of all these unthinkable acts of emotional and physical violence have learned to forgive, not necessarily the force behind the act, but forgive yourself, so that we can finally be free of the shame, pain, and guilt.
In my own words my story flows out like any other story, like a movie with a happy ending, things come out of my mouth and body so much easier in a different language. And I think this is because in this language and country I feel safe, I am oceans apart from the fear and pain of my past.. The word rape and sexual violence is easier spoken in English for me. I still don't have the power to speak it in my own language, but I feel that I identify with the beautiful women and men that I have met along my journey. Furthermore, their stories and experiences have been empowering me to become a safe space for myself and others. Your story is heard here, I am grateful you have survived it, I am proud of you, you are not broken, you are beautiful and brave.
And now for the ones still stuck with their abuser, there is hope, you can do this, there are resources out there, people believe you. I believe you. Please, don't feel like you are broken or you deserve this. You are beautiful and you have all the right in the world to feel safe and live a happy and healthy life. You are not what happened to you. You are not a rape victim, you are a survivor. Your clothes, the way you act, your skin color, your gender, and sexual orientation are not, and will never, be a reason for you to suffer. You have been through a lot, but maybe today you will find the power to speak your truth and unveil the monsters that have hurt you. I hear you, I listen, I was you. It is OK, you are ok, and all of you are so beautiful and inspiring to me.
When we talk about rape and sexual abuse we instantly think of the moment, the well-being of the victim but how abut the aftermath? How about the pain after, the emotional pain and the way your brain and body changes. The energetic trauma? Normal day to day tasks can be triggers, such as: smells, sounds, places, languages, or even a single word. How about the fear of walking alone in a parking lot, into an elevator, the reaction to touch, love and healthy sexual encounters? We see survivors as strong or weak, we try to love them, support them, or we shame and/or blame them. How can we change our values and views as a society? Well it is easy to say but a little hard to do. Educate, teach, create resources, tell your story, take the shame out of rape.
To use an example of a different crime, let’s look at robbery. After an individual or a store is robbed, do we go and tell the victim that if their doors were locked or if they had better security this would not have happened to them? No we don't! we support them, we create community.
With December 21st and Christmas rapidly approaching, I feel that ideally this is the end of us living as individuals, us as a divided community, and it is a step into a collective of healing, light, and love. Also remember that healing takes time, takes work, takes a community, a country, a planet. Let’s begin to let go of the old, and embrace the new. Allow grief to happen, give yourself permission to be. As you are. It is time for you, for me, and for all of us to heal and create a better planet and a better place for future generations. 2020 was very hard, but we have all learned to adapt and find our place. We learned new skills, we made deeper conversations, we had better conversations, and more time to be with ourselves and dig deeper into our inner struggle. There is light, there is love, there is hope.
Today my mind has blocked the painful memories, my body doesn't react as much to triggers but my soul knows that everything that has happened to me wasn't a punishment or I didn't deserve it, it was growth, it was learning to accept that I can't change the past but I am in control of how I react to it, I am here, now. From deep in my heart I want to say I love you, I honor you, to my partner, my holistic practitioners, my doctor, my beautiful tribe of people, and the most importantly to all of the women and men that have shared your stories of pain, hardships, love, and healing with me. I am not what I was 25 years ago, 20 years ago or 15 years ago, I am a survivor, a strong woman that is not afraid to cry and speak her truth. Healing that inner child that was hurt at different times in my life was a beginning, healing through reiki and embracing my own feminine power was next level, sharing this love letter with you is brave, it is scary, but it feels so damn right. If I can prevent another human from feeling shame or pain I will do my best to achieve it.. I have the tool of reiki and the beauty of the present moment, and I also have you, the person that is listening or healing with me, or trying to create a better world for the betterment of humanity.Every little girl and boy will grow up, and when they do they will speak their truth.
I am listening, and we all need to listen to one another, always.
Take your time, take your space, be kind to yourself.